A bloke with Tourette’s Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town ….
“Where’s the pissing, mother fucking manager, you cock sucking arse wipe”? he enquires of one of the waiters. The waiter is taken-aback and replies, “Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will go and get the manager for you as soon as I can”.
The manager comes over and the bloke asks, “Are you the fucking manager of this bastard place” ? “Yes sir, I am” , replies the manager, “but I would prefer it if you would refrain from using such profanities in this, a private, family-oriented restaurant”.
“Fuck off” replies the bloke “and where’s the fucking piano”?
“Pardon” ? says the manager.
“Fucking deaf as well, are we? You sniveling little piece of shit, show me your cunting piano”. “Ah”, replies the manager, “You’ve come about the pianist job”?, and he shows the bloke to the piano. “Can you play any blues” ?
“Of course I fucking can”…. and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has ever heard. “That’s superb .. what’s it called” ? asks the manager. “I Tried To Shag Yer Missus On The Sofa But The Springs Kept Hurting My Arse”, replies the bloke.
The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard. “Magnificent” cries the manager. “What’s that called” ?
“I Wanted A Wank Over The Washing Machine But I Got My Balls Caught In The Soap Drawer” says the bloke. The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager has ever heard, “And what’s this called” ? asks the manager. “As I Fuck You Under The Stars With The Moonlight Shining Off Your Hairy Ring-Piece” , replies the bloke.
The manager is highly upset by the bloke’s language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn’t introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She’s wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling out the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy little ‘G’ string she’s wearing is doing very little to conceal her charms. She’s sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots as the butter is dripping down her chin. The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to masturbate. He’s tugging away furiously when he hears the manager’s voice.
“Where’s that bastard pianist” ?
He just has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear ….
“Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes” ?
“Know it? Know it”? screams the bloke … “I fucking well wrote it!”
Tip of the hat to Captain Haddock for sending in that excellent example of a christmas cracker joke, which also gives me an ideal opportunity to post a video by one of our old friends from the ‘previous place’. Yes, it’s time for another burst of Tourette’s karaoke ….