Tuesday, July 22, 2014
You are here: Home » Humour » Happy Whitiwhangi Day
Happy Whitiwhangi Day

Happy Whitiwhangi Day

GUEST POST by Flaxen Saxon - International Community Relations Correspondent

For you dozy benighted Pomms, Whitiwhangi day is New Zealand’s National Day. It celebrates the signing of a solemn treaty between the ‘British Colonial Governor of Her Majesty’s Government’ and the Maori in 1847. As a slight digression I would like to introduce the less educated amongst you to the noble race which is Maori.

Ethnologists are of the opinion that the first Maoris arrived in New Zealand as Asylum Seekers sometime in the Middle Ages. They found a bountiful land colonised by a peaceful and equally noble race, called the Moriori. Mutual respect was only marred by the fact that the Maori had an irrepressible appetite for human flesh. As it was against their culture and religious custom to eat their own, they decided to eat the indigenous people.

In very short order they had porked their way through this fair people and moved on to eat all the large birds, mammals and frogs. Today, the only indigenous creature left in New Zealand is a highly camouflaged, fast moving and slightly tasteless marsupial, known in the Maori language as ‘donttastlikeKFC,ehbro’.

To return to our Solemn National Day. It is reputed that the Governor of 1847, Sir Effingham-Peffingham was suffering from syphilitic ague prior to and up to the signing of the treaty. Some say he deviated from standard British Colonial Policy, of the time. Usually, British Army drill was to send the local chocos off to an early grave, and at double time. Of course, when faced with the local duskies waving fruit and sharpened sticks the best response was always to ‘fire a volley’ and finish off the wounded, and less fleet of foot, with the bayonet.

Unfortunately for the Empire, Sir E was suffering from delirium tremens on the day of the signing. For his entertainment, the local Maori Warriors performed their formidable war dance, ‘The Haka’. The stout warriors, all painted and covered in feathers, reminded the Governor, in his delirium, of the Nelson Rep chorus line. After all, the Governor was notoriously short sighted and thick. The treaty was duly signed by the Governor and the Tribal Leaders. Luckily the Maoris could not read or write English. The clause they failed to notice (stupid Maoris), was the bit about allowing White Folk, known in Maori as Pakiha (not to be confused with Paki) to shoot any Maori on sight on Whitiwhangi day, as long as it was before noon.

Good man that Governor.

Waitangi New Zealand National Day Signing of 1847 treaty between British Colonial Governor of Her Majesty’s Government Maori Whitiwhangi spoof

As usual, I celebrated ‘Whitiwhangi Eve’ with three bottles of medicinal red wine (as is the custom) and awoke next morning feeling like a Frenchman’s crotch. After retching up over the dog I noticed that it was 11.50am. I panicked somewhat as I didn’t want to miss the opportunity to legally shoot someone. So without further ado, and without getting dressed, I reached for my father’s trusty 303 Lee Enfield rifle. The same weapon he had used to shoot unarmed German prisoners at the battle of El Alamein. Shortly after this incident my father’s contribution to the war effort was permanently curtailed due to wounds inflicted during a brisk encounter with the renowned, and much feared, SS SeamStress division. These Valkyries could sow an SS runic insignia, in silver thread, on your epaulet in under 20 minutes and double stitch at that; fucking amazing!

During the battle my father received a puncture wound to the arse from a rusty bodkin. The infection rapidly spread to his cock and as a consequence he spent 6 months in a Venereal Disease hospital in Blighty. The word around the camp fire, at the time, was that my father had caught the infection after an intoxicated and ill judged liaison with a wild, desert, she goat; absolute nonsense. It is well known that you can catch this sort of thing from toilet seats and dirty sewing baskets.

All this reminiscing reminds me of the following joke:
Question:- What is the difference between bestiality and zoophillia?
Answer:- A college education.

With shaking hands I slammed a fresh magazine into the Lee Enfield and rushed onto the porch. Luckily for me I saw a Maori in the adjacent field not a 100 paces away. I raised the musket to my shoulder, took careful aim and slowly squeezed the trigger and was promptly rewarded to see my quarry spiral to the ground. I rushed inside for my trusty scalping knife and bounded over to the fallen Maori to gather my well deserved trophy. Imagine my disgust when I realised that I hadn’t shot a Maori after all but had shot my Dutch neighbour, Mr Neils Van der Pump.

In mitigation, I have to say that his Indonesian wife had been standing close by and she does look a little bit Maori. I did consider shooting her as well and could hardly miss from two paces. But I suppose I’m a sentimental old fool and it didn’t seem quite right to shoot her under the circumstances, as her husband had suddenly took quite poorly. I did offer to apply a tourniquet to the wound on his neck, but neither of them seemed too keen on the idea. So I left her to administer first aid and retreated back to my bed to sleep off the previous night’s excess.

I had hardly fallen asleep when I was rudely awakened by the local plod. Thereafter all is a blur. I remained in custardy for several months prior to trial. Poor Mrs Saxon (not her real name) had to work 20 hours a day to keep the farm afloat. She did contact my flaxen haired cunt of a son to ask for help. But he was too busy finding ‘spiritual enlightenment’ on a commune in Perth, Western Australia.

Spiritual enlightenment, my arse!

From what I can see he spends his days banging small breasted Asian ladies, sometimes two at a time (nice work if you can get it), and judging from the photos some of the ‘ladies’ aren’t real woman at all. I finally had my day in court. I must admit I raised a spirited defence. However, things looked bleak after the prosecution’s final summing up: “Your Honour, I submit that Mr Saxon (not my real name) is a demented, chronic alcoholic with a tenuous grasp on reality. It is recorded your Honour, that after a particularly heavy and prolonged drinking bout, he thought he had turned into a canister of ‘Shake N Vac’ (Alpine Dew) and was found by his wife rolling naked on the carpet shouting: ‘I am fragrant, suck me off with the vacuum’. I rest my case your Honour”.

But bugger me if I didn’t have a stroke of luck. Poor Mr Van der Pump had lost the power of speech after my ill fated shot had destroyed his larynx. This same lucky bullet had also divided nerves in his spinal cord and consequently he was paralysed from the nose down. The upshot of course was that he was unable to provide a verbal or written deposition; in other words, a piss poor witness. The case against me rested on the sole testament of his Indonesian wife. This poor cow couldn’t speak a word of English and her Court appointed interpreter had just been deported as an illegal alien. The outcome was not in question, and I was promptly, and deservedly, found innocent and freed. I confess that after this encounter with the law, I am truly a wiser but not a sober man. Although, I have to say I can’t wait for Mr Van der Pump’s children to grow up so I can shoot them on Whitiwhangi Day, before noon.

After all, they do look a little like Maoris……..

.

VN:F [1.9.22_1171]
Rate this post :
Rating: 4.4/5 (14 votes cast)
Happy Whitiwhangi Day, 4.4 out of 5 based on 14 ratings

20 comments

  1. Pisser……

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
  2. Good Grief – if it wasn’t for the punctuation I’d swear we were in the presence of J. Joyce during one of his streams of consciousness … :-)

    I will readily admit to being a touch light on the detail of New Zealand history, so I am grateful to F. Saxon for his valued contribution to these annals of our time.

    When I remember Mrs. Peterson (History) at my old grammar school (“In 1789 the French were revolting .. heh heh heh – that is, they were having a revolution” same joke, same day, every year) I wonder if she would have been better engaged to have contacted Mr. Saxon – or perhaps his illustrious father – for his invaluable insights…

    Fuck me though .. you didn’t used to hear this sort of stuff on Jackanory ;-)

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 5.0/5 (4 votes cast)
  3. There you go, you see. Mr. Saxon has been with us but a short time but he’s already had an insightful megapost published on MF. Contrast that with the Leftie wankers who have been detracting here for years and who have been offered the same platform from which to dispense their dubious views, but have yet to take up the offer (for some unaccountable reason; really can’t imagine what that might be but it could just be that their ideas are TOTAL SHITE. :-))
    Well done, Mr. Saxon!

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 5.0/5 (5 votes cast)
  4. Oh happy days…a post on MF just for me…I am not sure that Flaxen Saxen would probably want to expand upon his views to Nga Puhi directly but I can put him in touch if he wants.

    As for Earwig – I see my comments regarding you disguising your identity were taken off here pretty quickly, presumably at your behest…now I wonder why such an erudite and educated person such as yourself would want to hide their identity? My challenge to you remains the same – as it has been for the last 12 months – reveal yourself and I will happily write some dubious views for you to abuse. Now this comment will also presumably be censored because you are absolutely shitting yourself about your real identity being revealed but the old addage about people living in glass houses holds true..

    At the very least, you are a quivering, pathetic, cowardly little git. You insult, abuse and traduce without shame (never mind the fact that you are a raving semite and racist) but you are just too frit to own up to who you are…

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    • I’ll leave Mr. E to answer your various .. points but perhaps I may just say that ‘the trubble wiv people terday’ is that they cannot differentiate between privacy and secrecy. When anyone quotes to me all this bollocks about “If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear” I always ask if they’ve got curtains at home.

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 5.0/5 (3 votes cast)
      • I was brought up to believe that it was polite to draw the curtains when the light was switched on and people who didn’t were common . Or maybe it was a fear of snipers I dunno .

        VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
        Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
        • Perzackerly Mr n .. that’s why my Uncle Len always drew the curtains if he was third in line for a light on his Woodbine :-)

          VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
          Rating: 5.0/5 (1 vote cast)
        • Indeed Mr n, my father was of the same opinion and was always worried about Japanese snipers on the top of TESCOS. As he always reminded us: The Yanks should have dropped a few of ‘those good o’l bombs’ in 1945 .If his wisdom had been heard our children and grand kids would have been able to walk the streets without having to being shot at from these ‘lost souls’ from the, second floor.

          VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
          Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    • Who I am is 100% totally irrelevant, Mr. Walker. The message is all that matters, not the messenger. Made a start on your own essay yet? No? Thought not!

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 5.0/5 (2 votes cast)
      • Oh, and by the way, I’ve never asked Max to remove anything (but that’s always been his policy anyway – unlike your typical Lefty censorship-happy bloggers).

        VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
        Rating: 5.0/5 (2 votes cast)
    • We meet again, Mr Walker. You are almost as mysterious as this ‘Nga Puhi’ fellow; perhaps there is more than one. Please feel free to arrange a meet. They might like to bring along a Taniwha or two. Arrange it for 11.50am next Whitiwhangi Day. You may also like to join us, Are you part Maori by any chance?

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    • Michael Walker are you one of the labour 25 +

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
  5. Herr Saxon, your remarks about the Germans are highly offensive and racist. Please desist immediately and remove this post. Mein Mutter served honourably in the SS Seamstress division and she has no recollection of a ‘brisk encounter’ with British soldiers in the western desert. Please review your facts. The SS Seamstress division served exclusively on the Eastern Front until their amalgamation with the 2nd SS Haberdashery division in January 1944. I suspect your article is a tissue of lies manufactured by a diseased mind. For the record, and let it be noted. The SS seamstress division had no part in the ‘Jewish Question’. However, it is true that they acted in an administrative capacity in the liquidation of ‘Spakkers and Mongers’.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 5.0/5 (3 votes cast)
  6. Quote: Michael Walker:- ” reveal yourself ” ” you are absolutely shitting yourself about your real identity being revealed ”

    “oo-er” Does this mean we all have to reveal our identities?

    Mummy won’t like it and the corgis might get upset not to mention “she who must be obeyed” Cammy Knickers.

    Still… looking on the bright side, being associated with Max Farquar might “up” my street-cred.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 5.0/5 (4 votes cast)
  7. Hey yeah! Let’s all ‘draw back the curtains’ and forego our privacy. That’d be a great scenario to continue exercising our right to free speech … without a knock on the door from the government goon squad.

    FFS! Get real … although I fancy you’re more likely employing the classic lefty/marxist/socialist tactic of ‘creating a diversion’. Like that’s going to work here … *bwaaahahahaha*

    Incidentally, Earwig, it appears that you have your very own obsessive/compulsive stalker. A cross one has to bear when being considered seditious … proving you must be doing something right ;-)

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 5.0/5 (3 votes cast)
    • The irony seems to be lost on Mr. Walker, Max, but he’s doing a great job of proving me right in everything I said about Cultural Marxists like him in my last essay. All they do is carp and name-call. They never propose anything constructive to deal with this country’s problems. You kindly offered Walker a platform to set out his views here but he never took it up. I doubt he ever will, either. He persists instead in using the tactic of constant detraction – the core principle of Marxist Critical Theory as explained in my post. A totally typical Lefty indeed.

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 5.0/5 (2 votes cast)
      • Hope your not feeling harassed Mr. E , it would be a laugh , no mebbe not but it does seem a popular thing to do .
        In England and Wales, “harassment” was criminalised by the enactment of the Protection from Harassment Act 1997, which came into force on June 16, 1997. It makes it a criminal offence, punishable by up to six months imprisonment, to pursue a course of conduct which amounts to harassment of another on two or more occasions.

        VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
        Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
  8. Maybe he wants your name Earwig, so he can then denounce you to his local “party bosses” for being a “wrecker”, like a good little komrade.

    Just a thought.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
    • I’ve had this kind of nonsense before on bulletin boards over many years. These people try to identify who you are and what you do so they can then complain to your particular professional association so they can get you struck off. No one’s ever succeeded, though!
      The thing is, these people just want to shut up dissenters – like what happened in the old Soviet Union which is the system they still lust after. One would think if they were in the right they’d leap at the chance to crush me in debate with the sheer force of their arguments. The simple fact that all they can do is name-call and detract is proof positive they have fuck all constructive to contribute ideas-wise to making this country a better/less awful place to live.

      VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
      Rating: 5.0/5 (1 vote cast)
      • Indeed Mr E only the omniscient know who you are. Fortunately for us all no one is omniscient in the real world. Otherwise tis a contradiction…….

        VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
        Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)
Scroll To Top

Hit Counter provided by brochure holders