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Ask Saxon Agony Uncle

Ask Saxon Agony Uncle

Dear Uncle Saxon,
Why all the smut? Do you get any questions from readers not relating to body parts or sex?
Mrs Fannyitch

Dear Mrs Fannyitch,
A fair and pertinent question, Mrs Fannyitch. Indeed, often in the pub I’m accosted by vague acquaintances and asked about the validity and viability of alternative energy sources. Here is Uncle Saxon’s, lean, green, alternative energy compendium, for our new exciting age. By the way, have you tried Canesten?

Dear Uncle Saxon,
The council have installed a windmill on top of my roof. I am very happy with the bone jarring whine and the way it chops up the local bird life. Unfortunately it stops working when there is no wind. Invariably the generator goes off in the middle of Coronation Street, just as Seth, Benny and Miss Diane are about to go to ‘top field’. I explained this to the Council, but they told me to fuck off. Any advice on the matter?
Mr Brainstem

Dear Mr Brainstem,
Persuade your council to attach the windmill to the national grid. In that way you will receive all the wind you need on a daily basis, irrespective of the weather. By the way, Seth, Benny and Miss Diane are killed when Tracy goes berserk, with a baby, in ‘top field’.

Agony Uncle Ask Saxon help quandary problems solved answer question medical advice personal matters alternative therapy treatment guidance life lessons funny

Dear Uncle Saxon,
My perpetual motion machine has stopped working as the machine’s rechargeable batteries have run low. Please advise how I can get the machine working again so I can continue to enjoy the free energy it provides.
Miss Befuddled

Dear Miss Befuddled,
Perpetual energy machines violate either the first or second law of thermodynamics. Therefore, I suggest you obtain a second perpetual motion machine, making sure that the batteries are fully charged, and link it to your original machine, thus ensuring your continued access to a free and eternal energy source.

Dear Uncle Saxon,
The council have installed a solar panel on my roof. Although connected to the water tank it has not produced the electricity as promised. As directed, I’ve arranged for the water to trickle down the electric cable but all I got was a flash and a bang. Also, it has electrocuted my beloved cat ‘Shagger’, who had the endearing habit of hanging around electrical sockets. My question is: Is it possible to recycle Shagger in a sustainable, biodegradable way? Please respond quickly as old Shagger is starting to pong and ooze on the linoleum.
Miss Perplexed

Dear Miss Perplexed,
Collect poor old Shagger and compress him into a briquette. Insert a wick up his arse- aim for the white spot. At a single stroke you have produced an eco-friendly candle which is liable to cast an oily, guttering, stench fueled light upon your sad, limited and wretched existence.

Dear Uncle Saxon,
Our local council is firmly committed to tidal power. They have convened a committee and have engaged a company to set up a working party. Prominent council members have just returned from a two week, all expenses paid, trip to Honolulu on a fact finding mission. After vigorous debate and canvassing local opinion, they have come to the conclusion that tidal power is not a workable option for land locked Dudley. My question Mr Saxon, how can I cure a severe case of genital warts? My old todger looks like a cauliflower that’s been left in a cupboard for a month.
Mr Twinkle

Dear Mr Twinkle,
Alas, there is no cure for ‘brothel sprouts’. Are you by chance acquainted with Miss Fannyitch?

Next Week : Uncle Saxon, Agony Uncle to John Bercow’s Platform Shoemaker, explains why you are never alone with solipsism.

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10 comments

  1. ” … you are never alone with solipsism.”

    I’m in two kinds about that one … looking forward to the explanation, Mr.Saxon ;-)

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  2. two *minds* – daft old sod.

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    • Only a paranoid doppelgänger would self-correct, Caratacus.

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  3. I was impressed by your answer to Miss Befuddled, regarding the problem she has with her Perpetual energy/motion machine.

    Perhaps there’s something interfering with the Brownian Motion associated with her equipment?

    Consultation of a Bristol Stool Chart may provide the answer?

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  4. I can sympathise with Mr. Twinkle. I suffered a really bad case of clap once which ended up with actual mushrooms sprouting out of me old jap’s eye. Certainly looked like ‘shrooms, anyway. Might have been toadstools, though. :-/

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    • One shudders to ask WHY toad’s tools would be sprouting from your member, Wiggy.

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      • Cos there’s not mush room inside heh heh ;-)

        (h/t Lonnie Donegan 1960)

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        • Or maybe it’s because he likes frog’s porn?

          I’ll get me coat………………………………….

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  5. Lonnie Donegan and solipsis – this thread has it all, Max.

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