Friday, November 14, 2014
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Ask Saxon Agony Uncle

Ask Saxon Agony Uncle

By virtue of the fact that I attended a two day First Aid Course (failed) back in 1974 I’m frequently probed, in the ‘Boiler Makers End’, Smethwick, about penile health late on a Saturday night. The more adventurous, and tormented souls, suitably imbued and fortified by ‘Holden’s Best Ale’, sidle up to me in the urinal stalls giving graphic demonstration of their pathetic and lamentable deformities. All this is done without eye contact and accompanied with uncontrolled and sometimes multidirectional flow. A picture paints a thousand words especially if performed in blood. Wobbly, grainy, images taken by my iPhone and subsequently printed off and placed on the wall of my squalid, but tastefully decorated bedsit, will haunt, and keep me amused, forever.

Dear Uncle Saxon
My cock has more than the requisite number of exit holes. The end looks like a well endowed garden sprinkler with leak issues. In the past I’ve been inclined to lie on my back on the floor of the local cut price store and spray the great unwashed patrons who frequent the exotic lard aisle. Sadly, the manager recently had recourse to have me ejaculated and castigated. Consequently I am no longer able to sustain an erection, conceive or hold my head up in Kwik Save. Mr Saxon, I don’t have any questions I’m just a gloating exhibitionist.
Mr Geyser

Dear Mr Geyser
Thank you for sharing your fascinating and highly disturbing story. I suggest you find future employment as a British politician. They are always taking the piss in multiple ways and are about as useful as a limp dick in an aisle full of wet cunts.

Dear Uncle Saxon
Lately my cock has become inflated, twisted and contorted into the shape of a poodle. I am at a complete loss of how this has come about, any suggestions?
Mr Smug

Dear Mr Smug,
Stop boasting, and more importantly, stop sleeping with female child entertainers, whilst pissed.

Dear Uncle Saxon,
My cock bends at an exact right angle halfway down the shaft. Whilst this great for peeing around corners and frightening the local children it makes sexual intercourse with my wife a virtual impossibility. Is there any way that I can straighten my wayward member from its current 90 degrees to something less acute?
Mr Bentwinckle

Agony Uncle Ask Saxon help quandary problems solved answer question medical advice personal matters alternative therapy treatment guidance life lessons funny

Dear Mr Bentwinckle
Embrace your individuality and find dramatic and practical uses for your hideous and rather disgusting deformity. Here is Uncle Saxon’s most restrained and less bizarre suggestion:

Why bother to purchase a set square for those tricky technical drawing jobs where an accurate 90 degree angle is an absolute must. To facilitate the procedure simply lay your tumescent member on the drawing board taking great care to secure one end of your contorted and congested organ to the board with a pin. For accurate measurement it is crucial that you maintain yourself at the pinnacle of sexual arousal otherwise the angle may become less acute and thereby inexact. Do not be tempted to caress the pinnacle otherwise your measuring device may become obtuse and ultimately, sticky.

If the burden of your abhorrent and disjointed member becomes unduly bothersome, then simply place your gnarled member in a vice and close until the aesthetically desired angle is achieved. Be advised that the modified member will be irreparably fractured to the extent that you will never be able to sustain a mechanically unassisted erection ever again.

Next Week: Mr Saxon goes in search of enlightenment and returns with his lost sock.

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6 comments

  1. Dear Mr Bentwinckle, according to a good friend (who watches such films) you could easily find employment in the “Adult” industry. Apparently more than one male entering a single female, is a much favoured form of visual entertainment, and the logistical difficulties of combining this along with decent camera angles, would be an ideal opportunity for someone such as yourself.

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  2. Dear Uncle Saxon,

    Would you agree with my observation that British politics and the BBC are infested with the most obnoxious and vile human dung beetles, liars and charlatans and if so, what can most expeditiously be done to remove these most execrable and contemptible individuals from all areas of public influence?

    - hacked off

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  3. Dear Mr Saxon.

    I was rather taken by your circular discourse.

    Mr Bentwinkle had obviously taken your advice, he’d secured one end of his contorted and congested organ to the board with a pin.

    That’s why he then sought your advice under the pseudonym “Mr Geyser”.

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  4. Dear Mr Saxon

    You printing out the photos instead of putting them on faceache like normal people has reminded me of an anthropological question I’ve always wondered about.

    At the back of the caves at Lascaux and other places, right, there are outlines of hands. But in my experience the first thing any man draws a picture of is his member, followed by a face-type thing with an enormous mouth. The third thing is a JCB digger. I did used to work in an art studio so I know what them types get up to.

    Soooo….I’m wondering, do you think that either it wasn’t cave men at the backs of the cave or perhaps the willly is a much later evolutionary feature than we normally assume. Darwin is silent on this point since they don’t appear in the fossil record. I don’t like to ask Richard Dawkins as I’m banned from there.

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  5. Can’t fault your logic- I think you are spot on about the cave drawing thing. I think that the lack of the twinckle (I like to use the technical term) in the fossil record is evidence for its late development. Otherwise I am sure that some man, at some time, would have impressed it into a shale bed for the edification of future generations. And yes, men are wretched creatures but we do love our twinkle (sorry, getting technical again).

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