By virtue of the fact that I attended a two day First Aid Course (failed) back in 1974 I’m frequently probed, in the ‘Boiler Makers End’, Smethwick, about penile health late on a Saturday night. The more adventurous, and tormented souls, suitably imbued and fortified by ‘Holden’s Best Ale’, sidle up to me in the urinal stalls giving graphic demonstration of their pathetic and lamentable deformities. All this is done without eye contact and accompanied with uncontrolled and sometimes multidirectional flow. A picture paints a thousand words especially if performed in blood. Wobbly, grainy, images taken by my iPhone and subsequently printed off and placed on the wall of my squalid, but tastefully decorated bedsit, will haunt, and keep me amused, forever.
Dear Uncle Saxon
My cock has more than the requisite number of exit holes. The end looks like a well endowed garden sprinkler with leak issues. In the past I’ve been inclined to lie on my back on the floor of the local cut price store and spray the great unwashed patrons who frequent the exotic lard aisle. Sadly, the manager recently had recourse to have me ejaculated and castigated. Consequently I am no longer able to sustain an erection, conceive or hold my head up in Kwik Save. Mr Saxon, I don’t have any questions I’m just a gloating exhibitionist.
Dear Mr Geyser
Thank you for sharing your fascinating and highly disturbing story. I suggest you find future employment as a British politician. They are always taking the piss in multiple ways and are about as useful as a limp dick in an aisle full of wet cunts.
Dear Uncle Saxon
Lately my cock has become inflated, twisted and contorted into the shape of a poodle. I am at a complete loss of how this has come about, any suggestions?
Dear Mr Smug,
Stop boasting, and more importantly, stop sleeping with female child entertainers, whilst pissed.
Dear Uncle Saxon,
My cock bends at an exact right angle halfway down the shaft. Whilst this great for peeing around corners and frightening the local children it makes sexual intercourse with my wife a virtual impossibility. Is there any way that I can straighten my wayward member from its current 90 degrees to something less acute?
Dear Mr Bentwinckle
Embrace your individuality and find dramatic and practical uses for your hideous and rather disgusting deformity. Here is Uncle Saxon’s most restrained and less bizarre suggestion:
Why bother to purchase a set square for those tricky technical drawing jobs where an accurate 90 degree angle is an absolute must. To facilitate the procedure simply lay your tumescent member on the drawing board taking great care to secure one end of your contorted and congested organ to the board with a pin. For accurate measurement it is crucial that you maintain yourself at the pinnacle of sexual arousal otherwise the angle may become less acute and thereby inexact. Do not be tempted to caress the pinnacle otherwise your measuring device may become obtuse and ultimately, sticky.
If the burden of your abhorrent and disjointed member becomes unduly bothersome, then simply place your gnarled member in a vice and close until the aesthetically desired angle is achieved. Be advised that the modified member will be irreparably fractured to the extent that you will never be able to sustain a mechanically unassisted erection ever again.
Next Week: Mr Saxon goes in search of enlightenment and returns with his lost sock.